9. Wholesale bloodshed

SO I’ve taken my first tentative steps on the baby killing road and now I’ve got a taste for blood. Call me Nick The Ripper, because now I’ve started my killing spree I can’t stop. There are bodies lying all over my writing room floor, and the blood is dripping from the walls. Having done away with Micky I have now parted company with all his old London newspaper colleagues, the rapping Severn Bridge Tollbooth operator Malteezer (who models himself on Eminem), the Scottish Editor Mac, the dope-smoking, party-loving page designer Adam Edwards, the office messenger-turned-marketing manager Jonah Harrison… they’re all on the cutting room floor.

A few begged for mercy and somehow survived: the managing director, who began as Luna Munddes, becomes Lana Desmund in Crossing The Whitewash and switches roles to Editor while the affectatious, debonair, cravat-wearing feature writer Quinten Tucker-Green and the work experience boy Jason Shakespeare remain pretty much intact. There are new characters too, like the rugby-crazy sports editor Hugh “Jacko” Jackson and perhaps my finest creation, the psychotic east London gang boss Arnie Dolan.

My desire for bloodshed has turned the book from broad comedy to thriller, though I’ve tried to retain my “voice” with humour on the more subtle side, interwoven with the characters. I’ve also made efforts to keep some of the chapters I loved so much in the beginning, but they are falling by the wayside one by one. Still, I want them to see the light of day in one way or another – I wrote 108,894 words so surely they can’t all be shit – so I’ve decided to let you have the benefits of some of my scintillating comedy writing. Who knows, maybe Sex & Rucks will be published one day if the demand is there.

Anyway, I mentioned Malteezer. How, for example, did he come into Sex & Rucks and Sausage Rolls? If you’ve read Richard Blandford’s critique you will also be wondering about his references to Goldie Lookin’ Chain. For what it’s worth I think he missed the whole point of the joke, which is that Wales does sometimes struggle a bit to keep up with the pace of modern culture on the other side of the Severn Bridge. It’s not a slur, it’s a fact. While the Welsh can be extremely innovative and cutting edge, they tend to hang on to their heroes rather than ditch them as soon as someone new comes along. To be honest, that’s an endearing trait that should be applauded in an age when one fad replaces another at the blink of an eye. Bands like GLC, who had their 15 minutes of fame in places like Brighton or Grimsby long ago, are into their 15th year of fame over in Newport. Here’s a recap on what Richard said…

goldie 001

… and here is Micky Biggs, still very much alive at this stage, arriving at the Severn Crossing to meet Malteezer for the first time and learn about his hero-worship of the spoof rappers.

(click word Malteezer to get the link)

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